Two injured humpback whales lost in the Sacramento/San Joaquin River refuse to respond to attempts to lead them to safety. A hog of truly immense proportions is bagged (not literally) by a young hunter in Georgia. A 150 pound sea turtle receives a CAT scan to assess an old war wound. A vampiric peacock is slain in a fast-food parking lot. A buffalo in Nepal gives birth to a full grown snake (now that's amazing!).
What do all of these recent news stories have in common? Well, first, they're all about animals. And they're all about animals displaying strange behavior and/or size. And together, as you've already figured out (being the amazing intellects that you are), they are a sign of the end of the world.
Well, think about it: This type of event is becoming more common every week. In the not too distant past, you could go for days without hearing about a talking elephant or a snake eating/regurgitating a buffalo. There was even a time (you aren't going to believe this), when supermarket tabloids had to report on politics and stuff, because there wasn't anything more interesting going on. Why, in George Washington's time (I have this from a reliable source) supermarket tabloids didn't exist at all (I know, I was sceptical about that at first, too)!
In a few years we won't be able to leave the safety of our bathroom without hearing about some new freak of nature or aparently miraculous regurgitation. This, I predict, will cause a widespread and uncontrolled (indeed, uncontrollable) epidemic of insanity, which will eventually cause the sun to explode. I realize that may seem a little bit far-fetched, but then, you have been watching an episode of The Simpsons, so look who's talking!
Actual links to actual news articles:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2007/05/26/MNG5JQ2AOU1.DTL
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/nation/4837745.html
http://www.sptimes.com/2007/05/26/Hillsborough/Injured_turtle_gets_C.shtml
http://www.kansascity.com/286/story/174084.html
http://www.gorkhapatra.org.np/content.php?nid=22550
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Way to show those dolphins who's boss!
The United States Government is conducting 'War Games' in the Persian Gulf off the coast of Iran. It is obviously a carefully planned move meant to strengthen the position of the United Nations negotiators (who want to get Iran to stop refining uranium). It was a fine idea, but one that possibly could have been thought out a little bit better, for several reasons:
- Iran, in all likelihood, does not yet know about the presence of the fleet (which consists of two nuclear powered aircraft carriers and seven other smaller ships) since the entire population of the country is in underground bunkers helping to refine uranium with their new, patent pending hand-sifting process. They will find out about this 'show of force' from CNN, just as I did, only after the fact (do they have TV or Internet over there?).
- The leaders of Iran (who are the same mad scientist types who invented their new 'refining process' and who always turn up to ruin perfectly good Superman movies) would love to entice the United States to start a war on another front. They are working in conjunction with North Korea in an evil plot to take over the world (or as they would have it, to stop the U.S. from taking it over). Eventually, if these two countries have their way, the United States will be embroiled in at least four major conflicts (approaching the world record set by the British Empire near the time of its collapse).
- What are the Iranians going to do with a bunch of refined uranium, anyway? They aren't technologically advanced enough to create actual weapons and/or launching platforms to use it (the uranium) in. And of course, claims by Iran and its leaders that they are simply building nuclear power plants are absurd, too. So that only leaves one possibility: they are creating a collectors series of the world's heaviest baseballs, each etched with a reproduction of a major league player's signature. It's the only possibility that makes sense!
So, if the United States had thought just a little but more, it would have seen that Iran is not the real threat. The real threat in much closer to home: Egg McMuffins! They look healthy, they taste great, and they fill you up! I think it's too good to be true!
So, let's have some war games in the McDonald's parking lot. That'll show them who's boss!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Who'd have thought?
I don't like to write about things that matter. I don't like to express my opinion about controversial topics. I don't like to expose myself to public ridicule. These are things that do not make me happy (of course, that just raises the question of 'why are you writing a blog in the first place, if you don't like these things?'). So, the trend in topics I choose for my posts will be toward items that are irrelevant or that I completely make up. Perhaps this reveals more about me than anything else that I could say about myself.
This is not one of those posts. I have decided to address a real-world issue in today's post. It is something that real people are interested in: the existence of silica on Mars. Obviously, the average person does not spend much time wondering about whether there is silica on the red planet. In fact, the average person has not had that thought even once in his non-productive life. But, after being told that there is, in fact, silica on the surface of Mars, in large refined quantities, the average person will come to one conclusion: This was caused by flowing water!
Just kidding! The average person, knowing that microchips are made almost entirely out of silicon (a major ingredient of silica), and that the presence of microchips on an otherwise uninhabited planet would be evidence of intelligent life, would naturally be lead to the conclusion that Mars though clearly uninhabited now, had, at one time hosted intelligent life.
That leads us to the question: Then where did these intelligent beings go? What happened to them? Did they transcend their mortal forms and shift up to a higher plane of being? Did they die out because they lost the ability to reproduce themselves? There could be many different, related theories, all having one element in common: they're all wrong.
The only theory that makes any sense at all is that the Martians were destroyed in a failed invasion of the Earth in the late 1890's. Since the entire population of the Martian species was wiped out, their advanced technology, abandoned for more than a century, was reduced to powder by the violent Martian sandstorms. All that is left of that civilization is some powdered silica hidden under a layer of sand.
Sad, huh? But at least we won.
Link to news article
This is not one of those posts. I have decided to address a real-world issue in today's post. It is something that real people are interested in: the existence of silica on Mars. Obviously, the average person does not spend much time wondering about whether there is silica on the red planet. In fact, the average person has not had that thought even once in his non-productive life. But, after being told that there is, in fact, silica on the surface of Mars, in large refined quantities, the average person will come to one conclusion: This was caused by flowing water!
Just kidding! The average person, knowing that microchips are made almost entirely out of silicon (a major ingredient of silica), and that the presence of microchips on an otherwise uninhabited planet would be evidence of intelligent life, would naturally be lead to the conclusion that Mars though clearly uninhabited now, had, at one time hosted intelligent life.
That leads us to the question: Then where did these intelligent beings go? What happened to them? Did they transcend their mortal forms and shift up to a higher plane of being? Did they die out because they lost the ability to reproduce themselves? There could be many different, related theories, all having one element in common: they're all wrong.
The only theory that makes any sense at all is that the Martians were destroyed in a failed invasion of the Earth in the late 1890's. Since the entire population of the Martian species was wiped out, their advanced technology, abandoned for more than a century, was reduced to powder by the violent Martian sandstorms. All that is left of that civilization is some powdered silica hidden under a layer of sand.
Sad, huh? But at least we won.
Link to news article
Monday, May 21, 2007
Whereever I Feel Like, DUH!
I have often been asked a fairly stupid question. I have never taken the time to really answer this question, thinking that such condesending behavior was not only beneath me, but also that it would only lead to more questions of the same ilk. I have finally chosen it as the topic for the pilot post to my new weblog (blog, for those in the know). I hope that this will finally close the subject once and for all, and not, as I fear that it will, open a new can of smelly worms.
The question that has been haunting me (and many other professional writers as well) for some time is this: Where in the world do you get all those great ideas?
Can you see why that's a stupid question? Of course you can. You're reading my blog, which shows at least a middlingly high level of intelligence. Which raises a question: will it do any good to talk about the issue here, where it probably won't change anything or do any good? Am I better off descending to a less intellectual forum in order to propagate my displeasure more effectively (perhaps the Harvard University Gazette, or something of the kind).
But, it occurs to me that my faithful readers (or soon to be faithful; we won't really know until you choose to read the next one) can probably be trusted to get the word out about this extremely irritating and distressingly oft-repeated question, and my feelings about those who raise it. Thank you for your kind service. You may have some ice cream now.
The question that has been haunting me (and many other professional writers as well) for some time is this: Where in the world do you get all those great ideas?
Can you see why that's a stupid question? Of course you can. You're reading my blog, which shows at least a middlingly high level of intelligence. Which raises a question: will it do any good to talk about the issue here, where it probably won't change anything or do any good? Am I better off descending to a less intellectual forum in order to propagate my displeasure more effectively (perhaps the Harvard University Gazette, or something of the kind).
But, it occurs to me that my faithful readers (or soon to be faithful; we won't really know until you choose to read the next one) can probably be trusted to get the word out about this extremely irritating and distressingly oft-repeated question, and my feelings about those who raise it. Thank you for your kind service. You may have some ice cream now.
Kibbles and bits
I have never actually eaten dog food. I had an interesting experience once with cat food, but I was young, and it doesn't appear to have had any effect on my I.Q. or my attention span. But it is not on the agenda today to talk about cats or the food thereof. We are scheduled to talk about dog food, as clearly indicated by the title.
I don't have a very high opinion of dogs. I'm a cat man myself. I don't particularly enjoy being jumped on or barked at, and I can't imagine craving the intellectual stimulation of stick-throwing. The whole thing just doesn't appeal to me.
I also have a hard time liking things that I can't respect, and I can't respect something that I obviously don't understand, and I can't understand how dogs can choke down commercially produced dog food. The very smell is extremely repugnant. I can't imagine the type of hunger that would induce me to actually try to eat the stuff. That's besides the fact that (the dry stuff, at least) is extremely dry. And they don't even put milk on it.
I have the perfect solution to this problem. But, it requires the cooperation of our canine counterparts. So I appeal to you, my four-legged friends, let us put out differences behind us in the rubbish heap of forgotten differences. Let us work together for a new and better world, where dry dog food will no longer be forced on those of us too dumb to know that it doesn't taste good.
My plan is simple and brilliant. We must mobilize all animals of the canine species and call a world-wide hunger strike. We will enter into a vow to never again touch dry dog food again. It will be hard, but we must be strong. And, together, we will prevail, as we have never been able to seperately. We will make our statement. We will make a difference.
And if you must give in and eat some of the horrible stuff, at least put some milk on it!
I don't have a very high opinion of dogs. I'm a cat man myself. I don't particularly enjoy being jumped on or barked at, and I can't imagine craving the intellectual stimulation of stick-throwing. The whole thing just doesn't appeal to me.
I also have a hard time liking things that I can't respect, and I can't respect something that I obviously don't understand, and I can't understand how dogs can choke down commercially produced dog food. The very smell is extremely repugnant. I can't imagine the type of hunger that would induce me to actually try to eat the stuff. That's besides the fact that (the dry stuff, at least) is extremely dry. And they don't even put milk on it.
I have the perfect solution to this problem. But, it requires the cooperation of our canine counterparts. So I appeal to you, my four-legged friends, let us put out differences behind us in the rubbish heap of forgotten differences. Let us work together for a new and better world, where dry dog food will no longer be forced on those of us too dumb to know that it doesn't taste good.
My plan is simple and brilliant. We must mobilize all animals of the canine species and call a world-wide hunger strike. We will enter into a vow to never again touch dry dog food again. It will be hard, but we must be strong. And, together, we will prevail, as we have never been able to seperately. We will make our statement. We will make a difference.
And if you must give in and eat some of the horrible stuff, at least put some milk on it!
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